The day that I lost my arm; I knew it was going to happen. I could feel it. It was a very deep sense of loss that I began feeling immediately when I woke up. It was a chilly morning in Nanyuki, as usual. I unlocked my phone and tuned in to Classic Fm – Maina and Kingangi’s Banter. I turned over to kiss my wife who was still deep asleep, as I headed to the bathroom. That’s like my morning routine. There’s something gracious about a woman in the morning when she is half asleep, her headscarf slipping off her head and now her hair is all over the place, then she catches you looking at her and her insecurities come into play as she tries to cover her face with a pillow, wondering how she looks like without make up; you only see that side of her, that vulnerability, for only five minutes before she becomes the ‘Taliban’ that the world knows.
After I peed, I came back to the dressing table to pick my toothbrush. I may sound like I was rushing to go somewhere but I wasn’t. It’s been three months now since I lost my job, and since my wife found out that I was the father to my neighbour’s second born daughter. It’s strange, I know. It doesn’t even feel like something I would do. Losing my job and fathering a daughter are two variables on different ends, but in this context they are connected. However, that’s a story for another day.
“You will be late for work, Mary.”
I told her as I spread toothpaste on my toothbrush. I miss the days we would argue on why I like pressing the tube at the middle, while she insisted on pressing it from the bottom. And that has never changed. Some habits run deep. Since she knew about the baby, she calls herself ‘step-mom’ when referring to herself. ‘Step-mom wants to go the Supermaket, is there anything you would like me to bring for you?’; ‘Step-mom is so tired today.’ That’s all she talks about nowadays. Well, and the constant reminder that I am unemployed.
She heard me, but didn’t respond. Her 6.30am alarm rang and she snoozed it. I could see her tossing and turning on the bed. As if something was troubling her but clearly she was not planning to say a word. I repeated myself:
“You will be late for work, Step-mom.”
She looked at me and I immediately regretted having said those words. You see, marriage involves a lot of repetition, you will realize. And even more repetition if one partner is jobless and the other is giving them the silent treatment. She sat on the bed and finally said something.
“Look here Ben. I know I am supposed to go to work. Please stop singing about it. Just go and brush your teeth.”
I say “Okay,” but I don’t move. You will learn this art in marriage – When to go away and when to stay put. I sit innocently at the chair right next to our dressing table, still holding my toothbrush with my left hand. Like a guilty child waiting for his mother to punish him. And I deserved to be punished.
“Ben, sometimes I feel so much hatred for you. I don’t have the perfect words to describe it. It’s a lot. And today, I woke up feeling it here in my chest – right here. Do you know how betrayal feels like? Well, you wouldn’t know. It’s so…”
She broke down. I hate seeing her that way because I know she does not appreciate it when people see her tears. Of course my first reaction was to hold her but she pushed me away instantly.
“Please Ben. Don’t touch me and don’t say a word.”
Sometimes you hurt someone so bad that just the thought of you laying your hands on them disgusts them. I bet she was feeling the same way today. For a very long time Mary had complained that I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I have been consistent in that, so much that she can tell when I am about to say something stupid that she stops me right before I say it. The sad bit is, she is always right.
“Ben. I am not going to work today. This thing in my heart is so heavy. I have to speak it out. And since one of us isn’t bringing food home, I took a day off so that I can be more productive when I resume work tomorrow.”
Long silence.
I kept quiet. She hadn’t spoke about the incident. It’s been living with us like a big elephant and the elephant was roaming everywhere in this house. I could feel it while sleeping on the couch, when a visitor came to visit us, heck, even in the kitchen when either of us was cooking. The worst part is the elephant would always sleep in the room that we planned would be for our babies when they come. I was very intentional about not stepping into that room. It reminded me of my mistakes while it reminded her of our emptiness. It’s been 5 years now since we started trying for a baby and many trials later, we decided to go see a Doctor. Apparently, Mary was okay. I wasn’t. The Doctor confirmed that I had very low sperm count, something that Mary had thought about before.
At first I thought about the girlfriend I had been with before I got married and why she never got pregnant. I even thought about how my first wife died without a baby after our 2-years marriage. And now at 43 years, even with the security of having a wife, the external pressure was starting to creep in slowly. Mary has been okay, very patient with me. At some point her relatives started feeding her theories about how this could be brought about by supernatural forces but since our visit to the Hospital, she’s been at peace. As suggested by the Doctor, we started exercising together and eating the right food. A lot of medication was also prescribed to me, to boost my sperm count. That, coupled with some Supplements. We continued trying as I kept going for my monthly check-ups.
Baby did not come.
How my neighbour got to carry my baby is a long story, but Yes, that happened. Mary got to know about it mysteriously. It was as if she had a vision. I did not tell her and neither did the neighbour. It may have been through the husband. I did not care to ask. She texted me one day when I was at work, and I quote ‘I honestly don’t know whether to be happy that your infertility problem is no longer an issue, or to be sad that someone else is having our baby. The baby that we prayed for. I’m I now a step-mom? I’m confused. I will talk about it when I am ready.’
That same day, I lost my job.
I have been waiting for this day, for her to be ready for this talk. I believed that one: I will finally ask for forgiveness and two: Miraculously, things might work out for me so that I go back to employment.
“Ben. I hate that we are in this place now, where I am not excited anymore to try for a baby. I still want to have our baby, though. But I am no longer excited. The humiliation you made me pass through was too much for me. To see the baby playing with his brother in the balcony, looking like you and smiling at me, like she knows we have a silent connection has been nothing but painful. Look at my hands Ben, look, I have grown so thin…”
She was crying again.
I didn’t know what’s worse. Seeing how broken she was or the fact that I got a baby with our neighbour. I also didn’t know what to feel, sadness that I have broken two marriages or happy that I finally had my own baby. In the last three months, I met the mom once by the stairs and she mentioned that I can go see the baby when I am ready. I have never been ready, except this one time that I met them at the hospital. To say that my heart felt so much peace when I held her, my little girl, sounds wrong, but that’s what It was. Peace.
Back to Mary, she was now looking at me. It was now 7.20 am. I asked her to do anything, that in her opinion, would ease the pain that she felt. She said nothing would equate to that. I asked, ‘what if I l left this house, to go live with my daughter and the Mom. What do you say, Step-mom?’
Bad move.
I saw Mary rush through the door and she came back holding this very big knife we had in the house. We only used it when we hosted big parties. She was so furious; I had never seen her like that before. It’s like something came upon her, something that even she, couldn’t control it. I thought she was going to chop off ‘The Captain’ (This was an inside joke we shared) but she just said;
“Ben. I want to do something. I still want to get babies with you, so I will not kill you and I will keep ‘The Captain’ safe. However, I will choose what to do with this knife.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn’t scared at all. I knew Mary could never do anything. Her heart was so tender, she couldn’t even kill a fly. So I closed my eyes and dared her to do anything she wanted.
I think a lot of times we underestimate how far to the wall, we’ve pushed someone. That for a moment they forget about the consequences of their actions.
And that, is how I lost my arm. And my wife.