Tinder for a month.

There are two types of men. Men who would see a pretty lady’s profile picture and accept that if she looks pretty on social media, then she must look the same way in person. Or perhaps much better. And leave it at that. Then there are men who would look at a lady’s profile picture and not get convinced by that one photo. They will message the lady privately:

‘Hey.’

On a bad day, the message will go unanswered. But since this is a good day, she will respond.

‘Hey. I’m Good. And you?’

He will say that he is doing better than her. After the greetings, he will go ahead to ask whether the lady is on Instagram. Because where else will you find a lady looking her best throughout the year? In our houses we shower daily but we look the way we want. However, we have refused to look like that in our houses and also in social media. We have picked our battles wisely.

The lady will say that she is on all social media platforms. But will ask why this question is being asked and whether perhaps she has found herself on Kenya’s Tea master’s page. The man obviously full of curiosity to see the photos, will respond;

‘No. You are too small for Edgar Obare. He deals with people who are already known. I want to see more of your photos.’

Obviously this message will go unanswered. Forever. Because there will always be a better way to handle these inboxes. But do the men care to know?

That is what happened to me in Tinder.

I was once seated next to my friend and I saw him looking at ladies’ pictures and continuously swiping left. I got curious and he told me the App is called Tinder. I asked why he kept swiping left and he said something to which I now understand that he was being politically correct. The correct thing is he did not like what he saw. I think in life you keep looking until you find something that you like. I told him that I would like to register myself for a short while then I would write about my experience.

So we created an account. He chose the name for me. Something simple and nice. A name that would have interested him. I downloaded a photo of a beautiful African lady with Afro. Infact, I took it from a ‘hairstyles’ site. We now had a name and a face. I updated my profile ‘…..,  32. Project Manager.’ The search for nearby people started. After 20 minutes I got a few matches. You know, when you like what you see, and they see you and they like what they see, meaning you both swipe right and voila! That’s a Match! I saw my friend too but definitely it’s not a match so I swiped left. (Hehe)

Anyway. He said the matches were moving quite slow. That I needed to spice up my profile. I told him that I am a simple girl and I like simplicity and elegance, that even as a pseudo, that aspect should be constant. So I wrote ‘Program Manager. Bartender on the side.’ The matches started trickling in. I got excited and added unnecessary information that my passions are ‘Politics, Yoga, Cat lover, Music and Golf.’ Most Important, that I am looking for Men.

My men were generous with their matches. It felt like sitting somewhere, with wine in my hand and have men come to show off their best selves. I realized that the bartender bit made them to perceive me as a fun loving lady. Which clearly is something that fascinated all of them. I think men are quite easy. You feign a little interest and give the illusion that you will add some cheer to their lives, or alcohol to those who enjoy it, and there you have a foundation for a friendship that could blossom to a relationship. And men are nice. Some wanted to come to my place of work to ‘promote my hustle.’ To watch me mix the drinks perhaps. Or to make me drunk by the same drinks that I sell perhaps. Who knows. I wish they could know that I am not as tall as I pretended to be and that I pronounce ‘R’ like it’s going to become an ‘L’.

I’m ashamed to mention that there’s one who I mistakenly matched with, who immediately in-boxed me to say, and I quote ‘Can tell you’ve gat a wonderful voice and a big ass.’ Guys, I wanted to take back my match. Or if I could, I would return his, since he was doing guess work and I had none of those things he mentioned.

But Tinder has good looking men, I have to acknowledge that. Everyone has put their best foot forward. At some point I had to pause and ask myself which of the two personas I have, was admiring those people. I’m happy to let you know that It’s the pseudo persona. Every time I opened the App I would dread to see my brothers and my boyfriend there. Because that would confirm that we are all thieves, we happened to find each other in the line of duty.

The account is now gone, however, something good came out of that interaction. I found one who looked really good at 50. I asked whether it’s the genes or there was a secret that he could share. He said he doesn’t really know but he can guess that it has a lot to do with his ‘mental state of being. Trying to just be stress free, living as I wish and striving for happiness.’

I took that with me.